Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
