I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
