Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Apparently you make a good broom.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
