my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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