i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
