party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
