No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize