And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
