Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize