and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
