I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i barfeds in our rink
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
