Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
