this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
