there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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