he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize