We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
