My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
