I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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