Ambien. No doubt about it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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