it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
