Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The adults are the big ones right?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
