Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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