Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
