It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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