I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
