I'm lost and stupid without you.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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