Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
