how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
