Someone shit on the floor
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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