im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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