there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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