so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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