Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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