I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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