so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
