What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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