My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
