god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
