I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
