I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
