OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
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