Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
