The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Randomize
