I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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