Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
