I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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