my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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