How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Acid is not a monday night drug
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize