dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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