Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
