Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
