dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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