either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
