I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You've changed since you got that strap on
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize